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My husband’s career comes first. I am furious.

July 14, 2009
Eve Eschner Hogan, M.A.

He recently won a scholarship to go to Europe to study for a month. I’m very upset because he never asked my opinion about it—he didn’t consider me at all. He’s still in Europe now, and I haven’t talked to him since he left. I don’t want to. I am furious and jealous about it.

I know I should feel happy for him, but I can’t. Sometimes I wonder if I should still be in this relationship.

I would like to hear some advice from you.

Thank you.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Ultimately, the two of you need to fall back in love. This all starts with you. I am not implying that your situation is your fault, but doing something about it is your responsibility.

While I understand you are upset that your husband didn’t tell you about the scholarship, I doubt he “didn’t consider you at all.” I’m guessing in his consideration he thought you would tell him he shouldn’t pursue this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. While he still should have talked to you about it, consider how would you have responded if he had. Would you have been excited for him and supportive, or jealous and angry?

When your husband is deciding whether to grade papers at work or at home, is he likely to imagine coming home to a supportive loving wife or a nagging, angry wife? This is not to say that you don’t have any right to be upset, but if you are acting upset toward him when he does come home, your behavior is not in alignment with what you are trying to create. Remember that you cannot achieve your goal by trying to change your husband; you can only work on changing yourself. As you shift, he will likely shift in relationship to you.

So, what to do?

First, recognize that a healthy, loving relationship is what you want. That is the goal.

Secondly, become self-observant and align what you are saying, doing, thinking and imagining with the goal. For instance, not talking to your husband or congratulating him on his success is absolutely the opposite behavior that would lead toward the goal of a healthy, loving relationship. In fact, your behavior may destroy your relationship.

Thirdly, see if you can shift into gratitude and love. Ask yourself, what do I love about my husband? What do I love about his work or his work ethic? In what ways am I proud of him? See if you can shift your attitude to be grateful that he is making money and taking his job seriously—especially in this economic climate.

Fourthly, you never mentioned whether you any hobbies or interests yourself. Be sure that you are pursuing your interests as well, so that your husband isn’t your only source of interest and involvement. This way, you will be a full and complete piece of the relationship puzzle rather than making him your only source of joy.

This is the time to really take a look at yourself and what you are doing. If you get out of the relationship, all the same behaviors and choices will follow you into whatever is next. My best guess is that you truly love your husband or you wouldn’t want to spend more time with him. Thus, leaving him is not in alignment with what you really want.

With Aloha,

Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week:
Would you want to spend time with you?

Love Tip of the Week:
Rather than focusing on being mad that you not spending enough time with your sweetheart, focus on why you want to spend time with him. One will repel, the other will attract.



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